Sunday's Sober Section

On the eve of Los Angeles Trip

2006-03-29T23:51:00.000-06:00

This is a picture of one of the ski runs from my ski trip in Park City. It was one of my favorite runs. It was long and somewhat challenging. We did this one at the end of the day 3 times until my legs started to become jelly!

Tomorrow I fly to Los Angeles with Mark A. We are attending the CMA Roundup in West Hollywood, my home for 20 years. I will be hanging out with my ex-sponsor Bill Caffe the Bill W. or CMA. Just getting to go back to LA is a real treat. I have to admit I have some reservations about being back in my old stomping grounds. I have scheduled my time to be with friends that are either sober or non-drug addict/alcoholic.

Today I am Grateful for:

The gifts of the program

The Gay Men/woman's Chorus

Mark A. For recommending I join him on this trip

Andre for watching the boys

My job - for affording me the opportunity to leave town

The board of directors at my homeowners Assoc. for approving
the work that needs to be done on my condo

Skiing in the clouds

2006-03-18T22:54:00.001-06:00

I have had a great week! I've made some really good new business contacts and deepened some already good ones. They have taken exceptionally good care of me all week. The skiing was without a doubt the best I have ever experienced. Today we were able to ski on virgin powder first run down the mountain. It was like floating on air and I was able to ski better than I ever have before. I wish I had the funds to ski more often. It is truly a rich man's sport!

I look forward to getting home tomorrow. I miss my puppies and Lambda. I am really jazzed about how my life is playing out right now. My Dad called me today to tell me he is getting married on June 6th. He also asked me to be his best man. I am really happy for him. More so to know that he will have someone there to watch after him Full time. His girlfriend is a really nice person and cares deeply for him.

Today I am grateful for:

Steve C. looking for a house for me

God for creating the most amazing day for me

God for giving us great ski conditions

My Dad for asking me to be his bestman

Jay and Jody for allowing me to come on this trip

Michael, Craig, Ken and Russell for coming on this trip with us

The people at Litetouch for taking such excellent care of us

Snowing on the Slopes

2006-03-17T23:44:00.000-06:00

Today was an awesome day!

The skiing was so much fun I almost cried at the end of the day. We skied for 6 hours, most of the time it was snowing. We skied at Deer Valley. Which is rated #3 in the country for ski resorts. We get to go back and ski again tomorrow. I am so wiped out tired I can barely keep my eyes open. The runs were well groomed and the people at the resort were very friendly.

I am beginning to also look forward to getting home on Sunday. I have been away since Tuesday. I look forward to getting back to meetings. I know I should get use to finding them when I am traveling! I am usually so tired by the end of the day that I don't have the energy to go to one. Lame excuse! That wouldn't have stopped me from using. Anyway, I do look forward to seeing my puppies and sleeping in my own bed!

Today I am grateful for:

Deer Valley Resort

Ken N.

Jody and Jay

Skiing my ass off!

Another day of skiing tomorrow

Andre for looking after the puppies

Having a laptop to work use while I'm traveling (thanks Andre)

Tomorrow is Ski-day!

2006-03-17T00:35:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow I will be up in these mountains skiing!

It has been a great trip! I have met some great new friends that are top notch architects. I am so blessed to be up here at this time and have the opportunities that life has granted me. I am so excited I can't sleep. I went to bed about an hour ago and just can't seem to get myself to fall asleep. We leave the hotel tomorrow morning at 6:30am for the slopes. I will try once again to put my head down. I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve.

Today I am greatful for:

Jody M

Litetouch

Andre for loaning me his computer

My higher power

Jay L.

Jamie my assistant at work for being there for me

Sobriety for allowing me these opportunities

18 Months

2006-03-07T18:18:00.000-06:00

Today is 18 months of continuous sobriety for me! It has been a tough road getting here. I am continuously amazed at how the Universe is testing my resolve to stay sober. Yesterday I got a phone call around 9Am in the morning from a past buddy who I had partied and played with. He said it was a mistake that he had called, but that a buddy that I had played with before was in town and did I want to come by later and play? I told him I was busy, but then I began to spin on the idea of how fun his friend Matt was when we last hooked up. I also knew that if I did go over to his place that I would be faced with the decision about whether I wanted to get high. I know that I am an addict and there is no way that I can say NO in that situation. By the grace of God I was able to say no to going over. I chose to go to a lecture at Unity Church instead.

Today I am grateful for:

My Higher Power

18 Months

My puppies

Andre

Tom K.

Dave P.

My sponser Doug F.

Feeling my feelings

2006-02-22T23:09:00.000-06:00

Today was better than yesterday and the day before. I am doing my best to make atleast one meeting everyday. I don't like the feelings I'm having, but I know that they will change eventually. I try to keep myself busy and that seems to help.

In my Warrior I-group tonight I was able to process some of my sadness. I was able to scream and cry, to get the rock lodged in my chest to lighten up. Then I was held and able to fill myself back up with good feelings. Thank God for the men in my I-group.

I did meet with Ronnie Kee my realtor today at my place to figure out what to fix and what price to put it on the market for. He told me to replace the living and dining room carpet with wood laminent. I have to wait for the home owners assoc. to approve some repairs to my subfloor and then I can proceed with the work. It will probably take me a couple of months to get it on the market. He said it should sell within 60 days. I have to hold off looking for a place until we get this one on the market.

Depression

2006-02-20T23:20:00.000-06:00

12 Weeks old

7 Weeks old

Today started with me not having the energy to get going this morn-ing. The fact that I only had one scheduled meeting today didn't help. I ended up not leaving my house until 12PM and headed right to an the lunch meeting at Lambda. Funny how I didn't realize that I was feeling depressed until Genie P. Asked me how I was doing and of course I said fine. She told me to watch for the sadness from the breakup hitting me at some point. Then it hit me - I was feeling the sadness and didn't even know it. My body isn't in denial about what I am feeling. I had thought I was doing great and that I was moving on with my feeling about Andre. Little did I know that I had only glossed them over with distractions.

I ended up talking to Andre on the phone for the first time since he left over a week ago. I found that I have really missed talking to my friend. There were things that he said that I really didn't want to hear. Not that he was mean or even knew that what he was saying was hurting me. It is just that letting go of someone after a year and a half is really not easy. At this point I want him to do well and I want him to stay focused in his school, but I don't think I want to know how well he really is doing. I'm also afraid of being alone, even though I have great friends and people who care deeply about me. I do have some fear about the loneliness driving me back online or to places I really shouldn't be hanging out, looking for sex to fill the hole I am feeling. This is the time for me to lean on the program and get into the middle of it!

I felt rather down after talking to Andre so I went to Bikram's for another Hot Yoga Class. It is a very powerful physical experience. The classroom is about a 140 degrees and fairly humid, it lasts for 90 minutes and by the end I was really feeling drained. It was great for my mental well being. I was even able to allow myself to open up more to my feelings so that I could be more present with them. I know that the sadness will eventually pass and that the more I avoid it the longer it will take. I really want to keep my friend, but I might have to spend some time healing for that to happen.

Today I am grateful for:

Higher Power lighting the way

Little Bear learning how to get down the stairs on his own

Having a clean carpet with no puppy stains

Being able to work only half a day today

Finding the Hot Yoga Class

Connecting with Wade at the yoga center

Spending time with Tom

Visiting Inner Group

Higher Levels

2006-02-18T23:59:00.000-06:00

Today has been a day of uplifting experiences.

Running into Tom yesterday and realizing that we knew each other from before was the beginning of a series of coincidences. Each one bringing me to higher levels of awareness about my life and the choices that I have made both good and not so good.

Today I decided to do Hot Yoga at the Bikram's Yoga College on South Blvd. The experience was transformative and incredibly cleansing. By the end of the class I was just laying there, my whole body was pulsating with energy and sweat was pouring off of me. After showering and talking to the teacher, I realized that Yogananda's brother was Bikram's Teacher and Master. Yogananda is one of the spiritual teachers that I am greatly drawn to and am studying.

I also had coffee with a friend this afternoon and our conversation caused me to lift off the blinders from my eyes. This revealed to me some areas where I have been in denial about things in my life. I feel I am headed toward a higher state of being. I can see where I have been holding myself back and choosing to short change myself.

Today my Higher Power is guiding me toward a better state of being.

I am greatful for:

Cisco and him guiding me to Bikram's Yoga.

Tom coming back into my life.

Patrick S.

Finishing the class without having to take a break from the heat.

Little Bear not messing on the floor.

Jay J.

Chris C.

Seeing people new to the program that remind me what is was like and
why I don't want to go back there!

Feelings Good and Bad

2006-02-16T22:31:00.000-06:00

Today was a really good day! I am beginning to find my way through the change in my relationship with A. I can see that it is changing form and transforming to a more powerful state of being. I have been able to shift my viewpoint on the whole situation. I am able to see that my tendency is to want to experience the change as emotional hurt, but I don't have to choose this path. Change is inevitable in all things. Right out of the Buddhist precepts. What is important now is how I handle these changes and how open I can keep my heart through the process.

I went by to see a townhome today that is within my price range. Bob Scanlon came with me. It is still under construction and located one block north of Wash. Ave. between Waugh and Shepard. It is a pretty exciting location and the townhomes are really nice looking. Both bedroom have views of the downtown skyline. It is a 2 bedroom, 2 bath and has a 2 car garage. It isn't any larger than my place now. The only drawback is that the dining room and living room are a bit small. They do have 14 foot slanted ceiling though. I was going to look for an older house, but I'm not a fixer-upper kind-of guy. I'm going to keep looking, but it is really exciting.

"I honor the place in you where the entire Universe resides. I honor the place within you of Light, Love, Truth and Peace. I honor the place within you where, when you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, we are One! "

Today I am Grateful for:

The fellowship of the program

Wonderful clients that make my day joyful

Puppy licks from Little Bear

Watching the Olympics

Seeing the USA get the Gold in Cross-boarding

Knowing I am going skiing next month

My sponsee Sue

Rough Realizations

2006-02-14T23:06:00.000-06:00

Today was one of the tougher days of this year so far and there have been some really rough ones! Yesterday was a cakewalk compared to the clients I had to deal with today. I had to turn around from heading to Galveston due to a raging contractor. He is one of my new clients that I just picked up and he spends somewhere around 300 to 500 thousand dollars per year with Lighting Inc. So when he wants to scream at me I have to say YES SIR.

Being Valentines day and being single was hard emotionally on me. I woke up this morning very angry about it. I have come to the awareness that A. on I are on very different paths in life. Letting go of someone is never easy and it hurts a lot. I am clear though that his lessons are different than the ones that I am learning. What is really hard is wanting to keep someone from making mistakes that I have made, but knowing that this is the only way for some people to learn. Certainly I have had to learn many of my most important lessons the same way.

Tonight I am feeling very uplifted. Michael Lennox is a Grad student at UCLA and had a show called The Dreamteam that aired on Sci Fi. He is doing a dissertation on astrological profiling. I helped by being one of the participants in the statistical analysis for his hypothesis. What I found out yesterday was that he was giving us a free astrological reading as part of the participation. What he told me tonight was downright disturbing and uplifting. Disturbing, because it was so right on even to the point of things that have happened in the past couple of days. Uplifting, because if verified things I have been feeling all of my life, but been afraid to face. Even to the point of my addiction being a response to some of these realizations.

Today I am grateful for:

The joy of my family

Connecting with Michael tonight

Talking to Bobby Joe in LA

A challenging career to build character from

Great lighting projects to excel at

Life on Life's terms

2006-02-13T22:53:00.000-06:00

SUCKS! But this too shall pass, I hope!

I knew that things were going way too well for me. I was really thinking that I was on top of the world. I was sure that I was a living example of the Promises come true. It seems that God has a really weird sense of humor. The weekend left me with one less member of my family living in my home.

I have also had a terribly hard Monday. Lots of pressure from unreasonable clients and problems caused by incompetent employees. To top it all off, it ended up being a 12 hour day with a 30 minute lunch. I pray that tomorrow not be as rough a day!

The highlight of my day was my meeting with Ronnie Kee my realtor. We began the discussions on finding me a house to buy. He actually showed me a house still under construction that is within my price range, It is a contemporary 2 bedroom, 2 bath townhome near Washington and Shepard. It is 2 stories and has a 2 car garage. The only drawback is the yard looks to be pretty small. It is a starting point to begin the process.

Today I am grateful for:

Cowboy and Little Bear

My sponsee Sue

Patrick S.

My sponsor Doug F.

The Humility I have found in working step 7

My present condo

Lee Anne letting me bring the dogs by yesterday to play

Today I am Grateul for:

2006-02-10T00:07:00.000-06:00

The strength to work 12 hours straight

Clients that are thoughtful and respect my time

Seeing God clearly manifest in my life

My children - Little Bear and Cowboy

Paychecks and paying clients

My sponsor - Doug

My sponsee - Sue

Taking a break from it all

2006-02-05T21:36:00.000-06:00

Today was a relaxing day even though I spent it cleaning the house and meeting with my sponsee Sue. She had 30 days on the 23rd of January, I am very proud of her. Today we worked on Step Two. I think she is doing really well with her understanding of the reading of the 12 & 12.

I spent most of today cleaning my house and cleaning out a closet that has been a catch all for the past two years. It is very fortunate that I have an attic to store all of the non-essential stuff in. I have been meaning to clear it out for the past year. I still have a lot of spring cleaning to do and plan to spend most of next weekend doing just that.

I am hoping that the puppy will start understanding that he is suppose to go pee and poop outside SOON! He has done pretty well, but there still is some way to go before I can plan on getting the new carpet. I had to pull the carpet up 2 weeks ago so that the repair guys could look at my sub-floor. There are some repairs that need to be done and it is the homeowners association's responsibility to pay for the repairs. They are not responsible for the carpeting and this will be a good time for me to replace it. Especially since I am about to put my condo on the market. With the new puppy I will be needing to find a house for him and Cowboy.

Quote for the day - Life is this simple: We are living in a world that is absolutely transparent and the Devine is shining though it all the time. This is not a fable or a nice story, it is true. It is what we are made of. By Thomas Merton

Work Appreciation

2006-01-31T22:20:00.000-06:00

Today was an exemplary day. I spent a lot of the day preparing Lighting Inc. (where I work) for a networking party. The party was for the Remodeler's Counsel of Houston. This is a part of the Greater Houston Builders Association. A group that I attend regularly as the representative for my company. Today 50 to 60 people showed up and it went really well. The owner of my company was very impressed with my accomplishment. He has been noticing the quality of my work and has let me know how much he appreciates my efforts. He told me this when I was with him at Market last week ago. This meant more than any amount of money he could have paid me. I am usually pretty shy around this group of people, but tonight I felt very confident. I have found that the best sales style that works for me is the subtle approach. Tonight some of the top remodelers in town were there, many that don't use me as their saleman YET. By showing up and being visible, people begin to take notice of me. Then I can approach them to ask them why they don't by lighting from me.

It feels really good to be back home. I am glad that I don't have any trips planned until March. I need to spend as much time as I can with the new puppy getting him trained. He is doing really well, but it takes a lot of time.

Today I am grateful for:
My career
Lighting Inc.
Brad Bailey (Owner of Lighting Inc)
Andre
Scott L
Lelani S
Being home

Close and Tender Family Day

2006-01-29T21:12:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I feel sad that I don't live closer to my family. Today was such a wonderful day! I picked my Dad up around 10:30am and brought him back to my Aunt Mary's house. We were talking about my grand parents and Aunt Joanne that have passed on when my Dad suddenly started crying. It was a very powerful moment for me. Then we all sat on the back porch and hung out chatting. The weather was really great.

After that my Dad's girlfriend and I took him to his home. I helped him into the house and he just started walking around by himself. I stayed close to him but didn't help him or get in his way. Then my Dad and Sherri drove around the neighborhood visiting some of his neighbors. This gave me time to take down his Xmas tree and ornaments. We let my Dad drive out of the complex and down a couple back roads. It was pretty scary since his reaction speed was a little slow. He almost drove off the road a couple of times. We kept telling him not to talk, but just to focus on his driving. All in all, he did fantastic. It was really great to see him overcoming his limitations. I also think it helped him to realize that he is going to recover from the stroke and start living a normal life real soon! He kept thanking me for "one of the best weekends" he has had in a long time. I told him that this is what a Son is suppose to do, since he has taken such great care of me in the past.

My visit with my mother tonight was far nicer than I ever expected it to be! She was really great to be around and even complimented me on a few occasions. Something that I don't ever remember her doing. We had a nice vegetarian dinner and then played cards for a short while. It was a nice time for me and I really felt a lot of Love for her. I am sort of floating right now from the deep and joyous experience I have had with both of my parents tonight.

Today I am grateful for:
My Dad's health
My Aunt Mary
My Dad's girlfriend - Sherri
My step father - Jim
My mother - Darlene
Andre
Cowboy and Little bear
David D
Steve C

Back in Tampa

2006-01-28T20:33:00.000-06:00

I haven't written any post because my internet access was down for a few days and then I flew to Tampa. I am happy to say that my Dad is doing really well. I was able to check him out of the rehab center the past two days. I picked him up around noon and brought him back in the evening. He is able to walk with just a little support from me. We went to lunch at a restaurant both days. He is still dragging his left foot some, but I expect that he will be able to get out of the hospital in the next couple of weeks.

I hate being away from home right now. Our new puppy is an absolute joy to be around. He is so cute and very smart as well. I took him to the vet. on Tuesday. He gave him a clean bill of health except for a case of round-worm. He said that it is pretty common for puppies to get them. I was quite astounded to get the bill and find that the first visit was complimentary. I have to take him back on Wed. for his second distemper shot. He is growing pretty fast! I have been taking pictures of him and Cowboy to put together a puppy album.

Work has been really crazy the past couple of weeks. I don't see it lightening up (no pun intended) anytime soon and that is a great thing! I am excited about what this coming year is going to hold for me. I have taken on a few new clients and this should cause my sales to increase by 30% or more. This is good because I really want to buy a house by the end of this year. Two big dogs in my condo is going to be just too much.

I am really proud of Andre. He has enrolled in two classes at Univ. or Houston. Two of the four that he needs to graduate. He will then be going onto medical school. He is so driven toward becoming a holistic doctor. He spends hours and hours researching online his ideas about medicine and wellness. He is so full of knowledge about almost any illness. I know he is destined to become a great doctor.

I will be in Tampa until Monday evening. I went to a movie last night with my bestfriend from highschool - Mike Perchard. We saw "Walk the Line" and really enjoyed it. It reminded me of my own decent into drugs and alcohol. I could really feel for what he went through and what it took for him to rise above. I am so grateful for my sobriety! Tonight I spent time with my Aunt Mary, my Dad's sister. I am staying at her house. It is only 5 minutes from the place where my Dad is staying. Tomorrow night I will be seeing my Mother. God grant me the serenity...

Today I am grateful for my Dad's recovery!

Mind-full of the Shadows

2006-01-17T23:10:00.000-06:00

Well it has been a few days since I have been able to write here. I spent my weekend at Land of My Grandfathers staffing a New Warrior weekend. I always get a lot out of the weekends, but this one was particularly strong for me. I spent the weekend being confronted by one character defect after another. I happen to be on Step 6 and I know there are no accidents in life.

I usually have myself well prepared for staffing a weekend like this, but for some reason I was not this time. I forgot some things and did not keep a commitment to help someone to load the sound equipment. Consequently I walked into our Thursday staff meeting feeling completely out of sorts and deep in fear over the coming weekend. Right then I knew that this was not going to be a easy time for me.

On Friday night I had to confront the person working with me on the music for not including me. He was real smooth and made me feel awkward about even bringing the fact up. This triggered me to begin questioning whether I was being valued or if I was even valuable to the weekend. Then on Saturday during some of the processes I was put in a very secondary position. This reinforced the idea that maybe I wasn't in the space to be a part of the work going on. I was able at that point to begin to witness what was taking place in my head and take a step back. I still told the leader that I didn't want to participate in the second have of the process. He told me that I should keep an open mind and that I might be choosing to show up - SMALL. Of course he was right and I was able to snap out of it at that point. The child in my mind tells me that well if they don't appreciate me and believe in me then I just won't play!

What I began to notice as the weekend continued was that character defects or Shadows, don't like being brought into the light of awareness. It seems as if they become weaker and have less effect on me. I was able to move forward and really make a difference as the weekend went on.

The new puppy is doing great! He is such a treasure. He and Cowboy are starting to really get along well. Cowboy is so gentle with him and yet they go at it quite well.

My quote for the day is from George Brache - Art is a wound that has been brought to Light.

Day 2 of Puppydom

2006-01-11T22:24:00.000-06:00

Well, as some of you caught Little Bear, our new puppy's name is 6 weeks old not 6 months. He is just unbelievably cute! We are having a great time breaking him in to our household. Cowboy has already started playing with him (one of the main reasons that we got him) and he is beginning to understand not to pottie in the house. We bought him a cage to stay in while we are away and at night. I think this is going to make it bear-able having him around. I know that he is going to be a lot of work to get him trained right, but I think that it will be well worth it.

Andre is doing much better. No more high fevers though he is still having a hard time sleeping at night. I have been hard at work trying not to come down with his cold. I've been resting and pumping myself full of vitamins. I can't afford to get sick at this time. God please help me stay well. I have had the sniffles for the past couple of days, but I am determined that it not develop into anything.

I spoke with my Aunt Mary today and she informed me that the doctors think my Dad is still suffering from a small amount of dementia. He is having a hard time telling what time of day it is. He is also having a hard time with his fine motor control. I have booked a ticket to go see him from Jan 28th to Jan 30th. I am somewhat worried and yet I give this one over to God. He is in control and there is very little I can do except to just Love my Dad.

Today I am grateful for:
Andre
Cowboy and Bear
Steve C.
My flexible working hours
My Dad's continued recovery
Syd F.

Bundle of Love

2006-01-10T21:01:00.000-06:00

Well we have a new addition to our family. He doesn't have a name yet or it might be Bear, but I am hesitant to give him a name until we are sure we are keeping him. He is 6 weeks old and black with white paws. We think he is part chow and part lab. Someone threw him out the window on the freeway and he was smart enough to crawl to the side of the road instead of into traffic. I found him on the board at a Starbucks and one look ad I had to see him. The girl that had him did a background check on me before she would let me see him. We are going to keep him for a few days and see if it works out. As you can see he is quite the cutie!

Andre is doing better though he really gave me a scare on Sunday night. He felt a lot better on Monday and even ran around doing some chores, but then ran a temp of 102.5 early this morning. I'm hoping he will be getting better soon. He will be out of work until Thursday. I am also feeling a little scratchy in my throat and hope that I don't come down with it.

I was suppose to fly to Dallas to meet with a client tomorrow, but I decided not to go. I heading up there next week for the Dallas Market where they show all of the new lighting fixtures coming out for the year. I decided that it would be better to do both at the same time. I'm really glad I'm not going since I am leaving Thursday night to head up to Land of My Grandfathers for the Warrior Weekend. I was beginning to feel too pressured. I also have missed the lunch AA meeting at Lambda and really need my medicine.

My thought for the day is: Life is full of wonderful little surprises.

Highs and Lows

2006-01-08T23:25:00.000-06:00

Today was a pretty good day except for Andre being real sick with a fever and a cold. I came home tonight from my bowling league and he had a temp. of 103.4. It kind-of scared me so I called one of my doctor clients and she called him in a prescription. I also had him get into a luke warm bath. When I got back from the pharmacy his temp was down to 101.6. I'm tired of people being sick around me....

Anyway, I bowled for the first time tonight since I smashed my finger. My first game was 221 and my total for the three games was 585. That's a real good series for me. I even won some money. I wasn't sure whether I would bowl good or not. I wish the rest of my team would have done well. We lost all of the games.

I'm working on my 6th step with my sponsor. We met earlier today. So I've been thinking a lot about my character defects, both those that I am aware of and those that I am not. It's interesting to watch those thoughts or feelings that seem to come up out of my defects. I am learning that I don't have to let them rule me. I can just notice them and not act.

I went to a ceremony held at the Warrior Lodge this afternoon for the closing of the old lodge. It was quite powerful and I will miss the tree-filled yard and the room where my I-group use to meet. The ceremony was a honoring of the old and what it has meant to those of us that were there today. I look forward to the new lodge opening soon.

My prayer for the day is "God please help me to uncover those character defects that I have not been willing to look at or not been aware of."

Good in the worst of us, Bad in the best of us

2006-01-07T22:19:00.000-06:00

Acceptance is the answer and biting my tongue keeps me out of trouble. I find that there are times when I really have to keep my opinion to myself. Restraint of pen and tongue. Most of the time I don't restrain myself and then I end up feeling bad about what I say and do. Usually this shows up in my reactions to things that happen between Andre and myself. I end up saying something in some way that isn't very considerate and an argument is born. This didn't happen today. I was able to let my feelings flow over me and not react. A total change of pace for the way I usually deal with them.

My thought for the day is around the word RESPONSIBLE. It is a compound word of "respond" and "able" or the ability to respond in a situation rather than react,

Getting a flat tire

2006-01-06T21:32:00.000-06:00

Like on life's terms can really suck sometimes! Today I found work becoming really stressful. Things are back to business as usual. I am grateful for having the work, but not the stress. Then as I was racing to drop off some equipment to a client in Sweetwater, I found out that I had a flat tire. How long I had been driving on it I have no idea. One thing for sure though is that the tire is ruined. I was able to get a shop to change the tire for free. Tomorrow I will have to check prices on getting a new one.

I met with my sponsee after I got the spare tire put on and we went over her 1st step. I am concerned about her not really getting it. It seems as if she doesn't really grasp the powerlessness nor the fact of the unmanageable that her using caused in her life. I guess I have to give it to God.

My thought for the day comes from page 449 or 417 of the Big Book - And Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today!

A Bright New Year

2006-01-01T12:08:00.000-06:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This may be my last post for awhile. I am taking my Dad his laptop. He is moving into a rehabilitation center today. I am really happy to see how he is beginning to get his movement back. He is also very clear headed.

Last night I was able to spend New Years with my Mother and my Aunt Donna. We had a very fun time playing cards. I was astonished to see how poorly my mother treated my aunt. I was also amazed to see how well she dealt with it without getting upset. I guess I am learning not let her criticisms get to me.

I didn't end up leaving her house until 2:30Am and it was totally foggy. The drive is about 25 miles down back roads that are not lit very well. I was exhausted by the time I finally did get home.

My prayer for the day is - God guide my the way into the New Year!

God has a Plan

2005-12-30T20:53:00.000-06:00

My Dad was much better today. He was even able to take a couple of steps. He was also more clear headed today. They moved him to a private room. He had been in PCU which is an area where he had a nurse watching over him very closely. Now he is in a ward with a nurse watching 10 or so patients. He has called me a couple of times already tonight somewhat confused about how to work the TV. I know he is in good hands and I give his care over to God or I will go crazy worrying about him.

I have had a fairly good day. I took care of my Dad's banking and paid all of his bills today. We will be putting him into a rehabilitation center in the next couple of days. I will be staying here till Wed. To make sure the transition goes well. The doctor 's have informed me of the health challenges that my Dad has been and will now be facing and they include diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. These are all things that have been going on for some time, but my Dad has not been willing to look at. There is no way that he could have not known that something was wrong. His heart is only pumping out the blood at about 50% capacity. This is not only a wakeup call for him, I have to eliminate sugar from my diet. Diabetes runs in our family.

I have been spending almost all of my time at the hospital. Tomorrow I am going to find a place to get to a meeting. If someone could look up where they have gay meetings in Tampa and call me I would really appreciate it. Happy New Year to all! I will be spending it with my Dad. I can't think of any other place I would want to spend it this year!

My thought for today is - I have never known how much I Love my father until now.

Your prayers are welcome!

2005-12-29T23:00:00.000-06:00

Today has been a stressful day, but atleast my dad is getting better. He was less disoriented today. They were even able to get him to stand up for a minute or so. He seems to be thinking clearer as well. We were able to get the MRI that we needed to tell whether his artery is clear or not. I decided not to move him to another hospital today. We don't need to be going through all that if he is truly on the mend. They say that we will have to put him into a rehab living situation for a couple of weeks following his stay in the hospital.

I am really feeling the pressure of being here all alone and having to make these decisions by myself. It seems as if God is teaching me self-reliance in a big way. I keep wanting to second guess myself about whether I've made the right decisions. I am able to give it all over to God for a second or two and then I take it all right back. I have been coming from my heart and need to trust that it is all working out just as God has planned. I didn't spend any time in the chapel today and that was a mistake.

Tomorrow I will have to start putting his finances in order. I was able to get him to do a Living Will yesterday and I need to get a Power of Attorney drawn up soon. This is all so knew to me. Sometimes I just feel like crying!

Today I am grateful for the prayers that people are saying for me and my Dad. I am also grateful for all of the Love that is surrounding me!

Stepping up to the plate

2005-12-28T21:43:00.000-06:00

It has been a really hard day of strong emotions and hard decisions. I have never had to step up to the plate and be a man, like I have had to today. I am here alone with my Dad. None of my other relatives are here to help shoulder the burden of the responsibility of making the tough decisions of what to do with my Dad. I am also so tired of talking on the phone to everybody about what is going on with him.

He has been in and out of lucidity all day. He thinks he is at home and doesn't understand a lot of what is going on around him. This is really hard for me to watch. My dad has always been the rock in our family. He golfs 3 to 4 times a week and at 68 still chases the women around. We had absolutely no warning that anything was even slightly wrong with him until the stroke hit him on Monday.

This morning I gave it over to God and did a third step on the whole situation. That really helped , but by midday I was starting to become super depressed. I decided to take a short break around 5PM and went down to the chapel to meditate and pray. After about 30 minutes I headed back up to the room and the change in my attitude was profound. He also seemed to be doing better when I got back. The new nurse crew was really nice and seemed more competent.

I am glad I am here to help smooth the relationships between the nurses and my father. His disorientation is bringing out some of his worse qualities and I'm afraid that he would really get treated badly if I wasn't there to really be grateful and thankful to the nurses for their help. Some of the other people he knows were complaining that he wasn't getting taken care of and that the doctors were not very competent. By shifting my vision/belief about the nurses and doctors I feel as if I have been able to also shift the reality of the situation. Did that make sense?

My thought for the day - God knows what he is doing and I trust in him.

Scared and Worried

2005-12-28T01:28:00.000-06:00

I'm really having a tough time. My father who has almost never been sick had a stroke Monday night while I was down in Naples. He downplayed the severity, so I didn't head back until Tuesday night. Come to find out he is slipping in and out of lucidity and can't use his left arm or leg. I rushed back when I found out how bad things really were.

I stayed at the hospital till 2AM, but I finally needed to come home to get some sleep. His name is Roger Sunday, please put him in your prayers. I will be heading back in the morning to get him transferred to a better hospital closer to my aunt in Tampa. She's up in Michigan and just had an operation to have a cancer removed. I really wish she was here!

This is the first time I've had to deal with anything of this magnitude with my direct family. I'm really afraid for him. I have been praying all day. I also know that it is in God's hands and he is doing his best.

Prayer of the day - God grant me the serenity....

The Day After

2005-12-26T17:10:00.000-06:00

Merry Day after Christmas!

It's been a real interesting Christmas. I didn't do too well with mom yesturday. I'm so pissed at myself for letting her get to me one more time. We ended up in a screaming match because once again she started in on her rude behavior and I broke. Fortunately my brother was there to back me up and help me to see that leaving on Christmas was not the thing to do. I ended up staying for dinner and was able to get past the anger.

I'm down in Naples now and spending time with my friend Peter. He's a great guy and we really enjoy hanging together. It is really nice in Naples. We plan on doing some canoeing tomorrow and maybe even get to the beach.

My meditation focus for the day is: My Belief creates my reality.

Xmas Shopping with Dad

2005-12-24T19:08:00.000-06:00

It has been a really good day! I really Love my Dad a lot and hanging out with him all day has been a blast. I waited till I got here to shop so that I wouldn't have to pack the presents in my suitcase. I ended up buying mostly gift cards so that was stupid. I thought it was going to be horrible shopping the day before Xmas, but it wasn't so bad.

We just got back from dinner (my dad and I) and are getting ready to watch a Movie. I will be heading over to my bestfriend from highschool - Mike's, tomorrow morning to bring him and his kids the presents I have for them. Then I will head to my mom's for more Xmas gifts and dinner. Monday I will be heading down to Naples to visit my friend - Peter.

I am going to see if they have any gay AA meetings here in Tampa. I'm hoping maybe I can hit one on Monday before I leave or Wed. when I come back. I didn't bring a Bigbook and that was dumb. When I hadn't heard from my sponsee for a few days and was starting to really get worried. I tried calling her yesterday and she finally called me today. She didn't think I wanted her to call while I was away.

Absence does really make the heart grow fonder. I really miss Andre! Last year we drove down here with the dog and he got to meet both my dad and mother. He got along great with my Dad. I wish he could have gotten off work to come this year. It looks as if I will be staying in Fla. until Friday so that I can see my mother's sister (my aunt) that I haven't seen in about 15 years. That is all dependent upon whether we can get our reservations changed.

My prayer for the day - May there be Peace on earth and may it start with me!

Whirlwind Three Days

2005-12-23T09:27:00.000-06:00

What a crazy few days! I have been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I really bit off almost more than I could chew with leaving town on Thursday and throwing a Christmas party on Wed. Night. Not to mention trying to tie up all the loose ends at work so that I could leave town for a week. Atleast that is all behind me, now I can take a deep breath and relax.

The party Wed. Night turned out better than I expected. It was only 9 people and that was really all we could handle. It was the first get together of any kind that I have had over my place. It was also the first time that Andre and I have ever thrown a party together. My place isn't as well put together as I would like it, but my friend Steve said; "If they are coming over to judge your place, then you probably don't want them there anyway." With the Christmas decorations and the fire in the fireplace - It was beautiful.

I didn't even start to pack until about 11PM Wed. Night. My flight was out of Bush at 11:50AM on Thursday. I hope I didn't forget anything. Thursday was a bit crazy too. I had to stop by a jobsite and pickup my meds from Walgreens before my brother picked me up at 9:30AM. We made it to the flight realearly. The terminal wasn't even very busy, so my brother and I were able to sit and have breakfast without rushing.

The flights were fairly smooth and I had ilse seats on both flights. We flew into Atlanta where unbeknownst to us my step-father met us and then flew on to Tampa with us from there. It was kind-of weird hearing someone call my name - Marty, as we got off the plane. I was called that until I was 30 years old. When I moved from Los Angeles in 1990 to San Diego I started using my real name and not my nick name. So there are only a few people who still call me by that name. What was really strange on the flight to Tampa from Atlanta was that I sat down next to this girl and when I asked her what she did she said that she was a lighting specialist. Needless to say we talked through the whole flight. What are the chances?

Well I here at my Mother's place in Lutz Florida. Her and I have had a long history of conflict. About a year or so ago her and I hadn't spoken to each other in 3 years and when I called up to do a 9th step with her - She told me how I was going to do it. She is a very opinionated and domineering woman. It is really amusing to watch my character defects start begging to have voice around her. So far we are really enjoying each other's company. I will be here till tonight (Friday) when I will go stay with my father until Christmas Day. Then I come back here for the night. I will be spending Monday and Tuesday down in Naples with my friend Peter. Wednesday I will be driving (I rented a car) back here and then we fly back on Thursday morning.

My meditation for the day is: God let me see your light in everyone I meet today.

Just as Sick as Our Secrets

2005-12-19T17:03:00.000-06:00

The number has been deleted. It was interesting to have my sponsee crush her pipe while we were on the phone and then I deleted the phone number that almost got me into trouble on Saturday night. Cunning, Powerful and Baffling, that is what this disease is! How I could be so stupid as to leave myself an out, is beyond me. My disease has got me by the balls and then it eases up on it's grip and I forget how quickly it can run me over. When I am in relapse mode it seems as if I've been hit by a freight train and didn't see it coming. Really I should know better than to miss so many meetings in a week. I had only been to one meeting last week. Not enough medicine for this boy!

I'm really excited about our 1st staff meeting tonight for the January New Warriors Weekend! This will be my 5th staffing and this should be one of the best ones yet. The men leading this weekend are the best of the best of the Houston leader body. I have a huge amount of respect for each and everyone of them. I also adore these men. They are all straight, but I know that they love me for who I am and that is huge for me. Also there are a bunch of other men on this staffing from my I-group, also men who I am very fond of. This will be my friend David's first staffing and it will be exciting to watch him go through the experience.

It has been a good day overall. I am gearing down for the holiday and it feels good to have the pace lighten up a little. I am leaving on Thursday for Tampa to visit both my parents who have been divorced for 42 years and just happen to live in the same town. Not the one I grew up in. I am leaving for this vacation having all of my bills in order and having all of my accounts on Quicken perfectly up to date. This is totally new behavior for me and it feels really wonderful. I've always wanted to leave on a vacation with things this way so that I could really relax. It just never seem to turn out that way. Hallaluya

Brokeback Sunday

2005-12-18T16:18:00.000-06:00

If you haven't seen it go - Brokeback Mountain, but bring the kleenex. What a truly beautiful movie! I'm feeling all gooey inside. The love story is portrayed very well and the acting is superb.

Last night was a tough night for me. I had very strong urges to act out. Andre did end up coming home late, but not knowing if he was or wasn't made me crazy. I haven't had such strong using feeling in a long time. It kind of scared me. I know the reason - I only made it to one meeting this last week. HELLO - I know better than that! Anyway I'm feeling better now. We still have some issues to work out about yesterday, but I know he is feeling better.

I met with my sponsor this morning and started the 6th Step. I have a bunch of worksheets to fill out and I need to reread the step in the 12 & 12. He read it this morning, but I was way too distracted to comprehend much of it. I'm looking forward to getting more willing with my program. I also look forward to uncovering more of my character defects. It always surprises me when I uncover one that I'm in denial about.

My meditation for the day - Let all things be exactly as they are.

Sad Saturday

2005-12-17T23:44:00.000-06:00

Today started out as a great day. Andre and I did a 4 hour meditation at the Self Realization Fellowship from 9am to 1pm. It was a truly unique and interesting experience. We sang chants and listened to a woman on a tape then sat quietly for 30 to 45 minutes and then repeated the process. The chants were songs of devotion to Jesus Christ. I'm not a Christian, but I do believe in Jesus. At the end I felt very clear and uplifted.

Andre wanted to go to lunch so we went to one of our favorate vegetarian restuarants - Sri Balaghi on Hillcroft. I said something that really pissed him off and he exploded. I was wrong in what I said, but my intent was not the way he took it. Needless to say we had words and when we got home I felt really bad. I ended up going to bed and not getting back up until 5:30.

At that point he said to go ahead with my plans for the evening without him. I went to Adrian's birthday party at Star Pizza and then to the "Night before Christmas" exchange at Lambda. it was a lot of fun and helped me to feel somewhat better. Andre decided to spend the night at a friend's house and I am beside myself with saddness now. I seem to have manifested one of my biggest fears - Abandonment.

I decided that maybe tonight would be a good night to start my blog.

My prayer for the Day:

God Grant me the Serenity to except the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.